


Heartache and Nicotine

by Nekopyo



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-24
Updated: 2010-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-14 01:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/143931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nekopyo/pseuds/Nekopyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The von Lipwig Guide for Easy Romance, Lesson 1: Don't hire a golem for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartache and Nicotine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ijemanja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijemanja/gifts).



Spike didn't collect golems. She hated it when he used the term. Golems simply happened to flock to her the same way cats flock to old ladies. The last time he stopped by the house, there were three new ones he hadn't recognized. Moist considered asking her to make them carry name tags. It was impossible to remember their names otherwise.

Not that Moist had anything against golems, of course. He still took credit for all the golems working for the Postal Office — more than half the postmen in Ankh Morpork were golems by now — and even the concept of someone so fundamentally honest you couldn't bluff them stopped fazing him by now.

It's just that now their wedding was coming up, and finding time together for themselves was hard enough, what with his job in the Royal Mint. Adding to that Adora's crusade for golem justice was almost more than Moist could handle. The last time he tried to take a day off, only for the two of them — and Mr. Fusspot, who was _impossible_ to get rid of — he thought he'd surprise her at the Golem Trust with a bouquet. He waltzed in happily, only to discover she'd left a note: _Lovely surprise. Had a great time. Left for Klatch. Be back in two days._

Clearly, one of his better dates.

Then, of course, was the matter of Chromite, his new assistant. After a particularly unpleasant argument with Spike — and his shin still bore the marks to show for it — he finally complained they never manage to make time for themselves. The following day he met Chromite, a new employ in the Golem Trust, who introduced himself as his new voluntary time keeper.

What that mostly entailed was following Moist and _assisting_ in his romantic endeavors.

As if on cue, Moist heard the telltale trudging of Chromite's legs in the hallway outside his office. The golem knocked lightly on his office door — the walls hardly creaked at all, really — before entering, clutching a small stack of papers. Chromite carried that stack of papers everywhere, and consulted them frequently.

Moist had no idea what was written in there.

"Miss Dearhart Would Like To Enquire If You Are Free To Have Dinner With Her, At A Small Restaurant Near The Trust Offices."

Moist perked up. "Yes. Of course. What time would she like me to meet her there?"

"She Had Requested I Vacate Your Schedule In Three Weeks' Time, Mr. Von Lipwig."

Moist smiled hugely. "Of course she would." He clasped his hands tightly on his desk.

He didn't entirely trust himself not to start throwing things.


End file.
